MY TEEN AND I

B Y   D A V I D   P A M    M c Q U E L

I sat there staring at the beautiful coffee mug. I like it black with a chocolate shot. My mind drifts every 5 minutes, wandering about many things and many places.

For a while, I drifted away and Jephtha went off my.

A minute later, like a heavy rock he came back. I sank inside like a dumbbell into the water. How am I going to handle this? How many times have I asked this question in the last one hour? A hundred times? Or even more.

I sat at the dinning table. This is my third cup of coffee. Usually, I smile watching the steam rise from my hot coffee like the smoke from an evening sacrifice  in ancient Israel. A third cup of coffee, yet my anxiety is rather steaming.

Jephtha…I whispered.

Then I broke the silence after a minute, as if I was waiting for an answer. I looked up again at the condom on the table. My heart sank again.

Jeph is just 16! Come on Jeph….!! Just 16! I sighed

I have always thought highly and spoken so eloquently of my Jeph. I thought he knew very little about sex. I thought he was such a nice guy. I thought he was just about his studies and have never seen him with a girl. How comes a condom in his pocket?

Now I am wondering what does he know? Has he been sexually active? Does he watch porn? Who really are these his friends? Am I sure I know my son? He reads the Bible a lot in Church, he associates with the right kids and participates well during family fellowship. He understands what being a Christian is.

Took a sip of coffee, not even feeling the flavor. My mind preoccupied with questions, question and questions again. Have I failed to raise even a single kid?

I worried a lot about things I might not know of my precious angel Jephtha.

However, that was not even as tough as worrying about how I was going to sort out this mess. First, how will I bring this up to Jeph? Second, how am I going to make myself understood without condemning him? What have we not talked about with him on growing up morally, that I will say again? How do I make him follow my footsteps?

You can see that my questions were endless. And the devil was telling me what an epic failure I was. That I have ruined my kid’s life and that I was a loser.

Like many Christian parents, I did not educate myself on how to bring up my teenager. I thought buying the nicest clothes, feeding this tummy and getting him an iphone plus making him like church and participate in Youth Church, I was fully paying my dues.

I forgot that I lived with him daily. It was going to take more than filling the tummy and paying the bills to make my teenage son what he should be! And worst, I didn’t know.

I have never paid attention to the Youth ministry in church. I guessed that they were well equiped to handle my son. I supposed I didn’t have to bother about anything else. Our church is good. I didn’t know that a youth ministry that meets twice a week for 2 hours each cannot satisfy his spiritual needs. I had no idea that I needed to engage.

My son has great attitude and good manners. But good manners are not enough. I took my last sip of coffee.

I began to really think about what I can do now. I need something better than emotions and anxieties. I need some action. Before Jeph comes back from school, I need to find an effective approach that will not drive him away rather get to his heart.

I realized the first thing to do is to pray. I knelt down. I really talked with God. Passionately yet calmly, as if He doesn’t know, tried to make Him understand how important Jephtha needs to turn around. I let God understand, or at least tried, that he is my only son and I have to win this. I then asked him for wisdom on how to come out of this.

Then a peace beyond worry flooded my heart. I seemed to understand that God answered me. I felt like this was going to turn right. I found joy springing in my heart, although nothing had changed.

Immediately I got up my knees, a scripture dropped in my heart.

Proverbs 4: ⁵ Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or turn away from them.
⁶ Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.
⁷ The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Proverbs 4:5-7

I opened my bible. I read the passage. It mentioned wisdom thrice and understanding twice. I concluded that wisdom and understanding where key. I began to seek knowledge. I went online to see if I can get articles on raising teens. I stumbled on what was an eye opener! I fell on treasures!

Patricia Engler wrote in Who is Gen-Z and How can we love them well? (crosswalk.com):

“Ultimately, you might have noticed one theme keeps appearing again and again in loving Gen Z: discipleship. We can love Gen Z by meeting their needs, and what today’s teens need most is truth. They need truth to navigate the lives of their digital universe, to shine hope in their broken world, to understand how to make a difference in that world, and to give meaning to their morals, beliefs and actions.

And who can disciple youth to know what truth looks like lived out? A mentor.

I know young people crave mentors, because I’ve traveled the world asking Christian university students how churches can best support them. Themes they repeatedly brought up include points like the need for apologetics training and solid Bible teaching.

But more than almost anything else, young people said they need connections with godly older adult mentors—a parent, grandparent, pastor, church member or any Christian who can encourage their faith, pray with them, help them grapple biblically with their questions, serve others alongside them, and show them what following Christ looks like. 

If every one of those 60 million+ Gen Z Americans had a mentor like this, imagine the difference that could make for the nation’s future! Changing the future might seem like a hefty task. But it starts with loving the Gen Z young people God’s already placed nearest you.”

Isn’t it great true? What I found is that there are so many articles published that should make it easier for parents to understand their teen and mentor them.

In Christian Parenting Advice For Raising Teenagers, written by David Peach, Director of Deaf Ministries for his mission board:

Engage Them

Talk with your teenager. Find ways to engage them in conversations. They aren’t going to go to you for advice and share their heart if their only interaction with you is when you are saying to them: “Brush your teeth.” “Clean your room.” “Don’t wear that.”

Find conversation starters—and, “what did you do in school today?”—does not count. What is your child interested in? You should become at least somewhat knowledgeable about that subject and engage them in it.

Seek common ground to help you engage your teen in conversation. Then listen. Let them talk. If you correct them on everything they say or feel like you have to control the conversation, then you are going to turn off your teen’s interest in talking. They should talk and you should listen. You may be surprised as to what you can learn from them.

Be a Good Role Model

Be an example of how you want them to live. Speak respectfully to and of others. Model the behavior you want your child to show. If you spend the evenings complaining about the way the boss runs his business, you are modeling the behavior of your teens sitting with their friends complaining about the way you run your house.

“Do as I say and not as I do” should never be part of your training strategy. Your children will do as you do. The question is, are you living in the same way you want them to live?

I have heard it said that what leadership does in moderation, their followers will do in excess. If you took all of your own habits, good or bad, and multiplied their intensity 2 or 5 times, would you want to be around yourself? Consider that every trait you and your spouse have will be magnified in your teenagers. Do you like what you see? Change what you can.

Pass on Your Relationship with God

It is said that God has no grandchildren. What is meant by that a child is not saved because of the relationship his parents have with God. Each person must come to God on his own. Theologically that is true. However, practically a child will more likely come to a personal relationship with God because of the lessons he learns from his parents. Share your love for God with your children.

I went on to researched, dig up more and learned so much in one day. At 3:21PM, the bell rang, and Jephtha walked through the door and I knew exactly how to approach him.

I had an honest talk with Jeph, I showed him how much I loved him and how much I trusted him. He was very cooperative. It turned out my fear was baseless. Jephtha was coming home from school, he saw a pack of unused condom on the ground. He picked it to study it and see what he had been taught about it in a biology class.

Uhhh, the relief that hit my soul. And I worried all day! I looked stupid. I went into my bedroom to thank God then broke into laughter. How unnecessarily anxious I was all day! However, this whole situation opened my eyes to how much my teen needs me for his spiritual and emotional health.