B Y D A V I D M c Q U E L
And she kept praying for her hostile sister. Her sister was
not exceptionally attractive or a sought-after kind of girl, however, she was a
wild cat. She plunged into the world headlong. She was not going to deprive
herself anything fun.
She has had enough deprivations in life, she thought. Their
parents were extremely principled and unbending conservatives who believed in
nothing but hard work and success.
As the girls grew, their lives were basically planned and
their goals for their future were right between the eye’s day and night
addictively. As a child the routine were pretty simple: school, home then
church. As she grew up, sports were lightly added and house chores.
She heard hilarious stories from classmates. Most of it was
strange but lot of it projected as fun. Hanging around folks for so long and
hearing the same things for long gets registered in your memory. I didn’t know
then.
To me, all was meaningless jab. All I knew was to be a good
girl. All my parents taught me was to be morally sound. To carry virtue and
excel in all I do, the future was going to be bright. I held fast.
A lot began to change when I went to high school. There were
varieties of change.
First of all, it was the first time I was going away from my
parents. I grew up under their nose and they were the umbrella under whose
shadow I found my identity. There was no way I would describe myself outside of
the umbrella.
My mum was impeccable. She demanded and exhibited the
excellency of virtue. He words, he gestures, her culture, her actions and he
principles were wrapped in dignity. She had had one anthem, we learned it from childhood.
Her anthem was, if a man has nothing, he must have virtue and principles.
If you don’t have wealth, influence and friends in high
places, few people will despise you. But if you have no virtue or principles,
everyone will despise you. She explained this always.
I have probably learned that from age 2. She believed it,
she lived it and taught it. She was known by this creed.
Secondly, high school was the first time my sister and I
will ever live apart. Big sis, as I call her, embodied mama. She did not only
obey mama; she was a disciple. She has poise and dignity. She was admirable and
absolutely a model. Everything a decent man will want, was found it her.
I was a restless brat. I was mischievous from as early as I
can remember. You needed all the patience to contain me. Big sis had all the
shock absorbers. She will not complain, ever about me no matter how rascally I
behaved.
She did not agree with my conduct, she somehow figured out
that that was the kind of person I was. And she observed me a lot as learned to
handle difficult people in me.
Of course, I hurt her and did lots of stupid things. She
will look at me in bewilderment, and she will shake her head and smile. He
typical reply was, “Sonia, you have got to grow.”
And I will snap at her.
Now a new world was opened in high school. We were apart. My
tamer was not with me. I wondered if I will ever do anything right by myself.
As you will expect, my parents gave me hours of lectures on conduct and virtue
on the eve of my departure.
I assured them that I was more matured than they thought I
was. I promised that I will surprise them. Of course, they were mere words to
me. I had no idea what was ahead of me.
Third, for the first time, I was going to take every single
decision for myself for 24 hours, then 7 days, then 4 weeks and finally 4 months
before the next terminal break. I didn’t know I had no idea what that meant. I
assumed it was to go to class, take lectures, follow the school protocols and
study to pass, was all I will be doing.
I had no idea that those same hilarious adult talks, gossips
and chit chats my junior high school mates will catch up with me in senior high
school. And that they will come like a flood I have not roots to withstand.
Influences. I thought of myself highly. But I was absolutely
ignorant of a lot of things. I was young, sassy and naïve. I was excited to
find new environment, new people and new friends. The cultural mix was
overwhelming. I thought this collection of varieties was a collection of people
from the whole world.
If was like a bird with the open sky before me. And there
was no compass to lead me. All the stern instructions mama gave me disappeared
from my mind in less that 2 weeks. I was a free agent. Now just following
anything, and anyone and anyhow.
Then the season of friendships just set it. Initially with
same sex, I was infatuated. I met girls that I thought were absolutely great.
Likes can betray. Just liking someone for their looks, temperaments or manners
was not going to be enough.
One girl in particular, Samira caught my attention. She was
rambunctious and sassy like me. I thought we should click. Click we did.
However, I had no idea what I was getting into.
I sound found out she was an adult in a teenage body. She
had lived a wild life, a life opposite all that mama taught me. And contrary to
papa’s instructions.
I like her lively person, but I began to get troubled by her
sexual escapes. She was excited to meet a novice. She felt she just got a new
responsibility to teach me how to know the world. And she began to work on my
mind, by removing every protection and teaching of virtue and principles I grew
up with.
The more I tried hard to pull away, the more she sucked me
in. Before long, I have tasted a lot of forbidden fruits. I was vulnerable, she
exploited it. I can say, I felt like eve before the serpent in the garden of
Eden.
Long story short, by the end of my first year in senior high
school. I knew that I had changed. I have become a burden not only to my
parents but to myself. Mama kept saying I was not the same, and complained
bitterly to dad. He was more tolerant. He told mama they should give me a some
time more, that I will adapt and mature.
I felt I was falling apart.
One of the vacations, big sis told me she was praying for
me. Although in pride I told her I don’t need special prayer, I knew I needed
more than special prayers. I was abusing alcohol (dad will kill me if he knew),
I have even tried weed, substance abuse, I was getting used to sex parties, O
God, my hand sank anytime I remember my dad may find out.
I will break his heart, something I fear most.
Things went from bad to worse. Big sis said to me one day,
you need Jesus to touch your heart. I was hurt but I pretended I wasn’t. I
forced a dry “thank you’. However, my heart deeply agreed.
I envied big sis. She was still a virgin. Deeply committed
to God, family and her studies. She had an easy life. Always happy. But when
you are hiding a lot, you get a lot anxious. Fear of being caught.
My fear was more than that. It wasn’t just worry of being
caught. I just knew a lot was not right with me.
Somehow, big sis knew my situation more than I though. One
night, I woke up to use the ladies, and big sis was on her knees in tears,
talking to God about me.
I cannot tell you how cold I became. I didn’t know what to
say or think. She gave up her sleep for a filthy person who did nothing good
but brought her disrespect and disdain?
I have never seen anyone wept so deeply for me. The
tears…she was all tears calling on God to save her lost little sister. I don’t
even think she knew I was watching her. That is the greatest experience of my
life. I feel daily not worth of her love. She gave too much for a wreck like
me.
That night a lot was broken in me, but I didn’t flip
instantly. I went back to school. Still hung around the bad apples but the
emptiness in my hear had so grown. I knew I was an empty shell following them.
I felt I was no more a part of the block, but I have been so long around.
Then tragedy struck. A special dispatch came to school to
for me. They said an urgent call. I was invited to the principal’s office.
Although the gloom on their faces gave them away, my principal composed his
mood. He forced a smile, then gathered courage to break the lighter version.
“Your parents are both very ill, they have requested you
come home.” I thought if they were sick, they will be well. Why come get me? We
left. Got home a little after 7:00pm.
Once I saw the crowd gathered, my guts told me I lost one
parent. I don’t cry. I went in composed. Relatives I hadn’t seen in years and
dad’s closest friends were all seated.
Big sis as an emotional person, she couldn’t hold the tears
when she saw me. So were others. I was stunned finding out.
Nobody else told me that Jesus was all, my sister and I had
left.
My only regret was I would have preferred my parents left
feeling better about me. However, I am determined to be better than they ever expected
me to be.
My joy now, I live for Him every day. At last, I enjoy the peace
big sis has known all her life.
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